World University Rankings

I was looking at the world university rankings released by Times Higher Education and was surprised to find or rather not find even a single University from India in it!
http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/world-university-rankings/2010-2011/top-200.html

The irony is most of these top 200 Universities have a significant number of students from India or of Indian origin! In other words, they or rather India is indirectly contributing to these rankings. Well, the immediate reaction would be to either cry foul or blame it, yet again, on "brain drain"! Whatever the reason, it is indeed alarming and also a matter of shame when a neighboring country (China) with almost equal population has six Universities listed in the top 200 and much smaller countries like South Korea and Belgium have three and two Universities respectively among this list! What's even more shameful is that we do not make even to the "top universities in Asia" list while Turkey has two!!!
http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/world-university-rankings/2010-2011/asia.html

The million dollar or rather one crore rupee question is: Is our education system and Universities so bad? When do we realize the importance of education and improving the infrastructure over hosting games, world cups, IPL, trying to compete with Hollywood, etc. Ah well.....

BTW, University of York (from where I graduated), makes to the list (81 Rank)! Some comfort there, albeit personal!

Forgot your wallet? What would you do?

This happened to me yesterday August 29, 2009... the very first time in my entire life... so far. There was new Indian restaurant (Bali - for folks from Cincinnati, there used to be "The Village" restaurant here earlier) that opened recently which I thought will check out. So, there I was with my wife. We went for buffet which was pretty decent. While having the dessert (gulab jamun which wasn't that great!), I realized that I was feeling more than comfortable while sitting. To my utter shock, I realized that I wasn't carrying my wallet - the reason I wasn't unevenly sitting (if you know what I mean)! I just went plain blank and mentioned the same to my wife who did not believe it at all (as by now she knows very well how ultra-cautious I am in these matters). So, I had to spend some more time to convince her and was thinking fast in my mind as to what i should be doing. I usually don't carry cash separately and as with any guy, even if I do, that also will be in my wallet. At that same time, what I was unable to digest was the fact that I just drove all the way to the restaurant without carrying a driving license. OK, the problem now is to pay for the food we gorged on. I was embarrassed to the bone and was thinking as to how to handle the situation. Well, my wife saved me saying that she is carrying some 20 bucks. Good heavens, I was so relieved. We paid for the food and then left.

We were planning to go to the library but being a die-hard stickler of rules, I first wanted to get back to home as soon as possible and get hold of my license. So, I started driving back leaving the parking lot and the very first thing I realize is that I am in the wrong lane and the guy behind me is honking! I then took a detour and wandered into a busy neighborhood. And there were kids bicycling all over the place. I drove extra cautiously as I really didn't want to be stopped by a cop without my license. I finally reached home, took my license and went back to the library.

While returning, I was remembering all the movies I have seen where the hero or the comedian has to grind the dal or wash the dishes or worst gets kicked or thrown out. I was wondering what would happen here in the USA, especially where they really don't grind dal in a conventional way or where the dish washers do all the job, or how would someone react in such situations? I am sure it might have happened to many of you. So, have you ever forgotten your wallet?... what did you do?

BTW, this is my first post after almost full 2 years. What can be a better incident than this to re-start blogging.

Somehow, I am still thinking HOW could I have forgotten? hmm..... need to analyze this!

Microsoft crazy facts

Fact 1:
Nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as "CON". This is something pretty cool...and unbelievable. ..At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened! TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE "CON" FOLDER
Explanation: In windows the folder name and the special system variables share the same interface, so when you create a folder with a system variable name it will consider that folder already exist!!these special system variables are available irrespective of pathYou cannot create a folder with these names also:CON, NUL, COM1, COM2, COM3, LPT1, LPT2, LPT3,COM1 to COM9 and LPT1 to LPT9....CON means console, COM1 means serial port 1, LPT1 means parallel port 1

Fact 2:
This is something pretty cool and neat...and unbelievable. Apparently, at Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened! Try it out yourself...Open Microsoft Word and type=rand (200, 99)and then press ENTER

Fact 3:
For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1. Open an empty notepad file
2. Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3. Save it as whatever you want.
4. Close it, and re-open it.is it just a really weird bug?

You can try the same thing above with another sentence "this app can break"

Source: WWW

Go Coconuts!

This morning, when I called home, my mom was telling about a new superstition going around in the town! Whoever has son(s), should break a coconut at the main entrance of their homes! The number of coconuts to be broken is proportional to the number of sons one has. My mom was reluctant to do it (my years of brain washing has good effect on her; she is more rational now than she was 20 years ago). However, my peddamma (my mom's elder sister) called her and literally forced her to break the coconuts. My mom finally relented. What can she do? The rumor is, if you don't follow this ritual something bad will come upon the sons. And you know the mothers, they cannot allow or even listen about anything bad happening to their dear sons! But anyway, my mom didn't break 3 coconuts (we are three brothers, so "technically" she has to break 3 coconuts) but broke only one! That way she balanced between her rationalism and my peddamma's sentiments (I don't want to call her superstitious)!

I then watched the news, and thanks to this superstition the coconut price went up to Rs 100. Normally they are about Rs 10 per piece! And most of the streets are full of these broken coconuts broken by the dear mommas for the good of their dear sons! You are not supposed to eat them either after breaking! So, you can't even make a burfi or a chutney! What a waste that too in a land where 50% population don't get a square meal. I don't know how these things get started and everyone so faithfully obliges them.

Not long ago, in Bombay we had people drinking water from a near by Dargah (burial place of a Muslim saint at the seaside of Arabian Sea), . This water (Mahim Creek) is one of the most filthiest and most contaminated waters in India. About 1000 million liters of sewage flows into it every day! But the hysteric people not only gulped it but fed it even to little babies! Then the next day, all the deities in the Hindu temples in northern part of India started drinking milk! The price for a liter of milk went up to Rs 500! This is the second time this is happening. In 1995 it was Lord Ganesh drinking milk! Well, the Christians can't be left behind! Virgin Mary started shedding tears in a church in Cochin, Kerala. Then a image of the Hindu saint Shirdi Sai Baba appeared in the seepage spots of a multi-storied building wall in Gujarat. And so it goes.......

Then we have those strange rituals - all in the name of religion. Forget about walking on smoldering ambers or whipping yourselves till you bleed! A temple (Sri Mahalakshmi temple) at Mettumahadanapuram (hope I got the name right; I think it's in Tamil Nadu) has a head-breaking ritual, literally! The chief priest of this temple breaks coconuts on heads of devotees as part of their fulfilment of vow. The devotees sustain bleeding injuries but they just rub in turmeric (of course, it's antiseptic) and vibhuti! Luckily this ritual is part of the two-day annual festival (occurs in August) and doesn't happen throughout the year!

Watching, reading, listening to all these, I was thinking why not exploit these superstitions for a good or noble cause. So, I compiled a list of "to-dos". For everything put a clause - "if you don't fulfill these something very bad will happen in your family within 8 nights"! We should be careful to make them sound as religious as possible (that's why use numbers like 8, 3; days like Friday, etc.) else there won't be any followers! So here is a list:

1. All able-bodied persons should sweep at least half a kilometer road otherwise within 8 nights the eldest person in the house will fall sick! Lord Vishnu is upset because of all the filth and dosen't want to stay in the temples on earth anymore.
2. Everyone should feed at least 5 beggars for 5 weeks every Friday or else the little babies in the family will fall sick!
3. The Vana Devi (Goddess of Forests) is very angry. To please her, everyone over 21 years should plant at least 3 trees and look after them for 1 year!
4. This is the year of Goddess Saraswati, every household should either donate money or books to the libraries. Otherwise, your sons/daughters will not get an Engineering/Medicine seat or they will get low GRE/TOEFL score!
5. Goddess Mahakali is very angry because people are killing all the goats and chicken and Her lion has no food! So everyone should stop slaughtering goats or chicken. May be this is a bit far-fetched and sounds made up. But no harm in giving it a try. Viva vegetarianism!
6. Whoever reads this must tell the above 5 to at least 5 people otherwise within 5 days something evil will happen to their dear ones!

Why Are You Wasting Your Time at Work?

According to a Web survey by America Online and Salary.com, the average American worker admits to wasting 2.09 hours per day at work, not counting lunch. While most managers/supervisors expect the average employee to waste about an hour a day, the results of this survey were startling. These 2.09 hours per person per day add up to a whopping $759 billion in salaries! Of the 10,044 people who responded, 44.7% cited personal Internet use, such as email, IM-ing or games, as the No. 1 time-waster at work.

If you find yourself wasting a lot of time at work, ask yourself these simple questions:

Do you need more job responsibilities? In all, 33.2% of people surveyed cited "not having enough work to do" as the No. 1 excuse for wasting time. But these time-wasters never inform their supervisors/managers that he or she has available time and needs more work to do. If you're sitting at your desk planning your next vacation or chatting or trying to buy/sell on eBay (looking at the "deals"), then you're not really doing your job as an employee because you're looking or pretending like you're working, but you're not." Most of the times the problem with these people is they intentionally prolong the tasks assigned to them. In other words, they deliberately do the job at a snail's pace lest the boss will give additional work! And surprise of the surprise, these are the people who always complain that they have lot to work and they don't have enough time!

What annoys me most are those who just waste time by talking - a LOT! They go on and on about how their little one gets excited watching a particular cartoon show! How he/she doesn't like vegetables! How he fell of the bike (sorry to hear that but for God's sake just don't reproduce the whole scene including mimicking the little devil's cries!). Yes, these are cute little things. May be for the parents! Not for everyone! These loose talkers or chronic sufferers of verbal diarrhea not only waste their time but disturb others too. The most annoying/mysterious thing is they don't even care whether you are listening or not, they just go on and on and on and on.....

The question then is are you being watched? It's entirely possible that your wasting time has been noticed by the higher-ups. Unless your boss himself/herself is a time-waster, employers definitely watch productivity and know who is doing the job and who isn't. So, don't be under any mis-apprehensions. If you value your job or want that much needed raise, get back in the game and make amends. It's never late. Admit to your supervisor/boss that you have been under performing, and ask what you can do to be given more challenges.

Or may be you just have to move on. May be you should start looking for a new job? Just don't do that in the office! Nothing can be more blasphemous! Actually, wasting time at work could be a signal of your unhappiness at your job. If you notice yourself increasingly wasting time, ask yourself how valuable that time is to you; perhaps it's time to start putting your time and energy towards work you'll enjoy, rather than suffering through work you do not.

Presentation or Meeting Monsters

In the normal day to day meetings we meet, interact, exchange pleasantries, etc. with fellow colleagues. However, when it comes to meetings we will be left with no clue as to what exactly these characters are ( at least initially). These people are like Jekyll and Hyde - amicable in privacy but hungry wolves in public. So, how well we should be armed to handle these meeting monsters? How should we handle their bothersome behavior. These types are categorized into 6 types:

The Monopolizer
To sum up in one word, this person perpetually suffers from an illusion that he is a know-all genius! This person thinks he or she is the only one with wisdom on subjects - not one, but ALL. The monopolizer believes everyone else is there to hear him or her speak, and so they do, non-stop. They don't appreciate that meetings or presentations offer an opportunity to hear from many. They prattle on and on, arrogantly acting as though their ideas or beliefs are inherently more important than others. Sadly other people shy away from contributing, intimidated by the monopolizer's stranglehold on the meeting. There is really no easy way to tackle this sort. The best is if there is a facilitator, he or she should, strongly discourage such behavior. The facilitator or even other meeting participants should indicate an interest in hearing from the speaker or others (if it is a group meeting), and to remind the monopolizer that others can speak as well as listen.

The Tangent Talker
These also suffer from delusions but are usually not as obnoxious as former. However, they are biggest time-wasters. It is because of these that meetings that need to be over in 30 minutes go on for 3 hrs. Yes, you guessed it right, this person hijacks the topic of the group by taking discussions off on tangents - topics unrelated to the issue at hand. One minute you're on topic and the next minute you're in "left field" as your agenda topic has been taken to a tangent. Your meeting chair's ability to recognize and refocus is essential to a productive meeting. "Let's remember to confine ourselves to the topic at hand" is a good way to get back on track. Alternately saying, "Let's try to avoid tangents" also labels such behavior as contrary to the group's aims. As well, you can "park" extraneous items in a "parking lot" list where they're noted, if only to be addressed later.

The Devil's Advocate
These are the ugly cousins of monopolizer. They are somewhat like the opposition parties in politics. Whatever the ruling part says we just have to oppose it - That's their primary motto. OK, let's face it, there's one such character in every presentation or meeting. This person seems to relish taking the opposite route. Whatever the argument being put forth, this person delights in taking an opposing view. It's sport for them, an exercise in opposition. The more unpopular the stance the more exciting their challenge. Watch out for them, they usually go around in group which eggs the culprit. If they are alone they are usually "well-behaved". The coterie gives strength to them and they basically play to the gallery. For e.g., if you are giving a presentation, they begin from slide one itself by saying "just for the sake of argument...I believe the opposite is true...." While there's value in looking at issues from multiple points of view and avoiding group think, the Devil's Advocate applies their technique to every issue, every argument and every conversation. Best way to handle them is to keep your cool, hold onto your thoughts. Sometimes offense is the best defense against them.

Thy Cynic
The ultimate naysayer, this person has a PhD degree in negativity. Their favorite phrase "I don't think it will work". If it's a group meeting, these characters are immensely skilled at deflating and defeating whatever motion is in motion. "Can't be done." "They'll never buy it." "We tried it once and it was a failure." Their motto: just say no. Challenge these people to think like The Devil's Advocate and suppose for that things could work. Use the common conflict resolution tool of asking them to embrace the other side's view as if it were their own, and argue that side's position. Since the cynic will never stop asking questions and goes on and on, the rest of the audience may begin to get antsy. At this point, just say to the cynic something like "Why don't you and I talk about that after the workshop?"

The Fence Sitter
These usually attend meetings or presentations either to sleep, or to eat the free breakfast/lunch, or they don't have a choice and are just forced to attend. These characters are unable to make decisions. Despite being in a deliberative body, they are conflicted by multiple arguments, and can't "pull the trigger" when it's time to make a decision in a meeting. They provide fodder for the Devil's Advocate, the Cynic and other characters with their ambivalence. Whether they are afraid of being wrong, or of disagreeing with someone else, or just going on record, they are a meeting monster for their inability to move the action forward. Try to cajole them to action. Remind them they have a vote and were invited to use it. Ask them their opinions on matters to draw them out and get them on record.

The Brown Noser
These are the boot-lickers or a**-lickers! And yes, there will be always one in every meeting. The person who is so obsequious, bending over backwards to ingratiate himself or herself to the boss, the meeting leader or other power broker. They're so busy currying favor with others they subvert whatever true feelings they have about issues to "kiss butt." They are seen to be in the pocket of the person they're cow-towing to. Ultimately they are seen for who they are and become predictable. Try to elicit their ideas and preferences before asking others as a way of drawing them out.

The Joker
These are nothing but court jesters or jugglers. Don't let their good nature fool you! These are like giggling teenagers watching an amorous picture. Their constant joking has the effect of diminishing others' serious ideas or suggestions. It makes the whole presentation look frivolous. The seriousness is lost. Their infusion of humor can belittle others' motions and makes it difficult for some to be taken seriously. There is a time and place for joking. While we all like a good laugh, constant joking disrupts a presentation and distracts attention from where it should be. Best way to handle them is to stop presenting and look at him/her for about 15 seconds! Most of the time that will leash these idiots.

Adapted in part from http://www.craigspeaks.com

How Low U Can Go

Last night I was watching the American Idol. Don't know why I was watching it. May be we all have some morbid desire to watch someone humiliated. It's just like watching Nascar races. A majority watch them expecting there will be some crashes and then all the news channels play them again and again. Anyway, coming back to the American Idol show, it seemed all stage-managed. And boy, they were really mean. They are usually mean but this time they were picking upon the physical appearances. Simon was calling a guy that he resembles some animal in Africa just because he had big eyes. There was another contestant who was overweight and Simon asked him whether he was wearing Randy's pants! And Paula was giggling like a stupid hyena! Well, if it comes to physical appearances, Simon's face resembles a stunted hippopotamus, Paula looks like an old iguana, Randy looks like an aborted fetus of king kong! I would equally blame the contestants too. They are plain idiots. Why should anyone allow or encourage others to pass personal remarks! Most of these idiots know that they cannot sing. And singing is not the only thing in the world! May be this was all added just to play to the gallery. After all nothing sells like controversy. But again the American Idol already has enough guaranteed viewer ship. It doesn't have to stoop this low to gain the ratings! In any case, one idiot makes it and 100 idiots watch it. So, am I going to watch it next week? May be or may be not!

The other, somewhat related, incident is Shilpa Shetty's Big Brother show or fiasco! Why on earth does Shilpa Shetty has to participate in this show?! I can understand the desperation of American Idol's contestants for that 2 minutes of glory to be on national television! But why Shilpa? why? And why complain about racism? What the other contestants did is unpardonable but why does Shilpa Shetty has to take it. She can walk out of the show. No, that doesn't amount to relenting or yielding ground. That would have been a graceful exit. These two incidents brings one thing to the fore. Whatever position you are in, basically everyone of us are animalistic - some little and some more! And yes, everyone of us is a racist. It just comes out some day or some time!

For instance take the north south divide in India. Since, we are talking about media, I'll limit to the film fraternity. Indian cinema doesn’t mean the Bombay industry alone! Recently at an IFFI there was a serious gaffe involving a Kannada film-maker Girish Kasarvalli and Kannada actor late Dr. Raj Kumar. The organizers had no clue how Rajkumar looks, they simply used the photo of a living Girish Kasarvalli that went with the obituary of the thespian Dr. Raj Kumar in their souvenir. When the Kannada industry protested, there was some apology and the souvenir was withdrawn and re-released without a mention of the regional film industry. This sort of things happened earlier too and nobody is immune. At yet another IFFI, Telugu actor Chiranjeevi came in for some discourtesy himself. At least, he voiced his displeasure openly. But then why did Chiranjeevi act in a Hindi film? Similarly, why did Rajnikant, who always used to maintain that he’d rather be a king down south than a guard in Bollywood went on to play insignificant roles in multi-starrers? Similarly Kamal Hasan, Nagarjuna (remember his roles in Khuda Gawah, Mr Bechara!!!). They all cite one reason - went in search of wider applause.

For the "elite" from north of Vindhyas, whether you belong to AP, Tamil Nadu, Karnataka or Kerala, you’re a Madrasi, your English is accented and your staple diet is idli/dosa sambar, and you eat very hot/spicy food! A TV newsreader will take great pains to pronounce a Polish or Russian name right but give them something like Balasubramanyam and he/she is sure to be tongue twisted. A recent incident - one of my friend's wife (of course, she is from the north of Vindhyas) was asking me, pointing to Balaji's (Venteshwara Swamy) calendar, who is he? The next question was, do you people (people in AP) worship Lord Ayyappa? She also asked whether Tirupathi is in AP or Tamil Nadu. And she is a medical doctor, and I always thought that people who hold professional degrees are usually well "educated" and quite "aware" of general knowledge! Wrong I was! But again, I didn't know whether she was trying to be "American" or she was just plain ignorant and those were just innocuous questions! So, is ignorance really a bliss?

Office Etiquette

Behavior of one of the colleagues today prompted me to write this. This guy was using an internet phone and talking so loud that I could hear him even when I closed my room door. And this guy was sitting in a bull-pen sharing the office space with at least 4 other persons. Imagine their fate! So, this guy goes on and on for about 25 to 30 minutes and when his vocal chords start wearing down, he stops and doesn't even have the basic courtesy of saying sorry to his colleagues! I was wondering, with so many nerve endings in the body and a 100000 million brain cells how can someone be so insensitive???

Office Etiquette Dos and Don'ts (source: somewhere from internet)
Do.....

1. Say good morning
2. Say thank you
3. Say please
4. Be helpful
5. Be friendly
6. Be polite
7. Seek help for anger problems
8. Dress professionally
9. Ask permission to enter a co-workers' space or cubicle
10. Show appreciation
11. Control your emotions
12. Have a sense of humor
13. Be courteous and show respect toward others
14. Take responsibility for your mistakes
15. Be helpful; ask if help is needed
    

Don't.....

1. Talk harshly
2. Condescend
3. Backstab
4. Gossip
5. Be rude to customers
6. Bad mouth the company
7. Bring your personal life to work
8. Take long breaks or lunches
9. Say it's not your job
10. Interrupt others
11. Have an office romance
12. Use drugs or alcohol at work
13. Wear provocative clothing
14. Be a chronic complainer
    

Using Mobile Phones

1. Use your vibrating alarm feature.
2. Taking a call in a restaurant is okay, but not if it is going to become involved.
3. Excuse yourself and go where you won't disturb others.
4. Watch your speaking volume.
5. Folks tend to speak louder than is necessary on wireless phones.
6. When in a meeting or even in a public place, it is best to have your voice mail set to receive your calls -- unless you are looking for an important call (Then you'd use your vibrating alarm).
7. Never take a call at a public gathering such as a theater or a church.
8. Get a "hands-free" kit for making and taking calls while driving.
9. Stop the car to make calls if possible

Conference Calls? Such a Waste of Time!

The Conference Call is Nothing But a Waste of Time! I feel so happy typing that.....

Sometimes I wish I could go back to my old surgery days and all I have to face is the glare of the operation room lights and a silent buzz of the ECG machine or the cylinder of gaseous anaesthetic or the occasional tinkering of the surgical instruments. I love being a research faculty but what really wears me down is a conference call.

It's not that I am unaware of the benefits of well organized conference calls. But then there are those calls where everyone seems to think that what they have to say is more important than the next guy and as a consequence, these calls often end up sounding like a game of oneupmanship. I actually thank God that He (or She) gave us one mouth and two ears! Imagine if we had two mouths! I usually use my ears more than my mouth.

I pity the secretary or the poor postdoc or grad student who has to note down all this harangue! And then there are those who come with their own agenda and keep going on and on - completely oblivious of others sufferings.

In my honest and humble opinion, I think conference calls are a colossal waste of time and money (imagine how much money goes down the drain during those hours of international calls). A one on one meeting I can understand, and even a small satellite group of 3 or 4 people would probably work, but when there’s 8 or 12 individuals spread around the country or even across the world, as is the case with us, it’s nothing less than utter chaos. In fact, we probably waste more time than we save. Usually, after these meetings, most of us return to our desks and spend the rest of the day sending emails back and forth as we try to make sense of the dialogue we’ve just had. Sometimes the two main guys talk further (after everyone gets off) to figure out what was the gist of the meeting! Oh, the wonders/perils of technology!

And the part which I dread most is towards the end when they are looking for an appropriate date/time to schedule the next conference call... Oh God! Not again! And there they go, spend another 15 minutes to figure out what's the best time... Conclusion: Nothing.. "we will let you know by email as to what time works best for us!!!"

Some interesting anecdotes later.....

Time Management

"Tomorrow is Friday! I hardly got anything done this whole week" one of my postdoc friends was complaining today. I listen or overhear a lot of these! How the day went by and nothing got done. There was no time to grade the exam papers, revise your hot manuscripts, meet with advisory committee members, help with re-designing course curriculum, design the new Web site for your department, take the kid to the dentist, no time to sleep or have lunch! In fact, not sleeping or waking up till odd hours is considered as something positive and I have heard several of them singing accolades of these midnight oil burners! But why????? Well, if I look around, most of them have to do all of these chores. They seem to be leading a perfectly normal life and they are equally if not more productive like any "never sleeping" faculty! Now, why is it that some are so unruffled while others are all hyper, always jumping and running as though some mad dogs are after their throats! The question is how did some of them got everything under control while others fail and try to bask pathetically in that glory! The mantra I think is ORGANIZATION and EFFICIENT TIME MANAGEMENT.

Let's see how we waste time:
As everyone you too started your day earlier. The first thing you wanted to do was to read all those pending mails and reply to them. Well, you switched the PC and then are onto the BBC homepage and spent the next 30 minutes reading some news. Finally opened the inbox and came across an inflammatory mail from a fellow faculty as to how your student is hogging up all the computational resources. You are all agitated and spend almost an hour writing and rewriting an equally inflammatory e-mail back. Then you need some more time to get back to your normal self.

As you were going through the papers, you come across your Division Director's mail asking for an updated CV for your promotion file. And the deadline was yesterday. You start searching for your CV and there are just too many and you can't figure out which one is the most current. So, you spend another hour and update your CV and mail it. Ten minutes later you realise that you haven't updated your publications. You reopen the file and while updating you realize that your research support is not current. OK, some more updates. Knock... Knock... your appointment is at the door. You finally mail your CV and drag your appointment to lunch along with you. What would have been normally taken 20-30 minutes goes on for more than hour and you still haven't helped her. You will reschedule the appointment for next week.

You open your inbox and there is another inflammatory reply from that CPU-paranoid faculty. This time it has a CC to the Director. You are even more agitated and you rush out to confront him. Fortunately or unfortunately he is not in his seat. You slowly start realizing that may be you are overreacting. So, you decide to drop the matter there and head back to your office. It's 4.00 PM and you remember that you have conference call with your collaborator and spend next 1 hour trying to convince them to change the legend for a figure in the Supplementary material! It's 5.00 clock and your PhD student shows up. Time to vent out some frustration. You start with why there has been no progress on the manuscript. Where are the results? The hypothesis doesn't make sense, etc. etc. The phone rings and your wife reminds that you have to pick the kid from the school because she has late evening meeting. You have to rush now!

I think the secret lies in effective time management and setting up short and long term goals. For instance, my long term goal is to be a successful scientist or researcher. I'm a start-up faculty, so my other goals are to get promoted with tenure. Hence, to accomplish the first part of this goal, I will need to design, plan, and execute some very decisive studies. But this requires money and to get that I need to prove to I am better or best among the peer group and I can use the money effectively. Thus, one of the most important tasks of my career is to write and publish manuscripts. After all manuscripts provide the proof that I can do my job and achieve the goals that I have set for in my field. With more publications, I will be able to pursue additional research grants to support my scientific ambition. It takes money to do science, and it takes good (published) science to get money.

The criteria required to keep my job, get promoted, and receive tenure will always be on my agenda. Although this is pretty obvious, it is easy to get caught up in all the academic service work, supporting others' research, guiding students, and lose site of this goal and what it takes to achieve it.
It all comes down to 2 important things: (1) importance of the task and (2) time-sensitivity. I strongly believe that the key to time management is to prioritize.
Prioritize, Prioritize, Prioritize! Do all the important stuff first, right? No this is not my new year resolution! Strangely, this sounds easy enough. But what about all those deadlines for unimportant stuff? So, I start breaking down these tasks:
Is It Urgent? Is It Vital? The answers can be

1. Yes and Yes
2. Not that much and Yes
3. Yes and Not that much
4. No and No

Tasks with an "urgent" designation are those that have deadlines. The "vital" designation is for items that are important to my career or personal life or long term goals. Some of the items I think fall into this category are meeting grant proposal deadlines, preparing my promotion or tenure review dossier, and so on. The second category are something which do not have immediate deadlines. For example, writing manuscripts. Sometimes they do have deadlines. So, Category 2 items enter category 1 as the due date approaches. Other examples are preparing slides for upcoming lectures or presentation or journal club. All these move from a category 2 to a category 1 task as the due date approaches. The third category items are those "voluntary" activities or attending those meetings (from which nothing comes out). Accomplishing these are no way related to my success. However, it is important that there are some "duties" expected of me and although not right sometimes I am assessed (evaluated) based on whether I attended these soporific meetings are not. The last category represent everything that are not even remotely related to my success. For e.g. organizing some non-academic/scholastic departmental event like a organizing a lunch or a visitors itinerary or a colleagues baby shower! The bottom line is I should be spending as much of my time as possible on vital tasks and should not let all other matters eat up my day.

That reminds me, may be I shouldn't spend this much time blogging :) So, that's it for today. More later....

New Year Resolutions

May be this is a bit late....there goes one of the resolution down the drain - I will not procrastinate :( - I'm not going to include that. Some of these are not mine and were compiled from other sources over the net!

1. I resolve to work with neglected families. (my own).
2. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
3. I will think of a password for my computer other than "password."
4. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
5. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
6. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. So, I'll continue to do what I was doing...
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment. I'll hone my intuitive skills.
8. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
9. Before I criticize someone, I try walking in their shoes. That way, if they get angry or all upset, they will be a mile away and that too barefoot!
10. I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
11. I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
12. Although, I'm still a newbie in chatting, when I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

Life's Greatest Truths!

Beautiful Banff! Chilling Calgary!

Once a Hyderabadi, always a Hyderabadi!

How much Hyderabadi are you?

Here's a test (courtesy: somewhere from internet)

1. Your address reads as 1-3-1/405/A/23-2.
2. You are a common visitor to one of these good old roadside cafes and you call them Kef.
3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile hotel that serves Chinese delicacies such as "Vegetable soft needles", "Navrotten Kurma", "Chicken Manchewurea" or "American Chompsee".
4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' (go straight) when somebody asks you for directions, whether it is to Malakpet, Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet. Or some other place near your house then "Idar ich hain". Near your house equals to some 3 to 4 kms away.
5. You come across tailors sporting the board: "Immidiot delivery in two days onli."
6. You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish, and if it is Telugu, it will majorly have hindi or Urdu words.
7. You ask the waiter to get you some 'Mango pickle' even if you are sitting at a lavish continental banquet dinner with exotic Chinese, Mexican,Italian and Lebanese cuisines.
8. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.
9. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in the US in software.
10. Everytime somebody gives you a piece of good news, the first thing you ask them is 'Party kab hain?' (Whens the treat? )
11. You refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or long before three hundred years.
12. You call 11 AM as "subah subah." (Early morning)
13. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are well before time.
14. You look at the fixed price stand and still ask 'dene ka daam bolo'
15. If you have surely decided to see a movie, on a particular day and a particular movie too, but dont get tickets you will surely see another movie, irrespective of the persons acting in the other movie. You have to surely see a movie that day. And after seeing most movies you will say "Ek baar dekh sakte hain, aka oka saari choodochu" (The movie can be seen once).
16. Even on a road with one way traffic you look to both sides of the roads and then cross.
    Easiest way to cross the road is to put up both your hands, look left when you ought to look right and vice versa.
17. Bajaj Chetak is still the best vehicle one can have, and even after 15 years it is supposed to be giving a milage of 40 kms a litre.
18. Food at any function should have Bagara and Bagara Baingan. Dessert should consist of Gulab Jamun, Gajar Ka Halwa or Qubani ka Meetha.
19. Spitoons are not meant for spitting pan, but the area around the spitoon or any corner, for that matter is the best place.

Mathematical Skills

Nothing is unfit for research!

While looking for some abstracts, I came across these 4 articles. It was mildly amusing reading them. It was comforting too because sometimes I get this feeling that may be I am wasting my time pursuing what I'm doing now! BTW, these are real research papers (you can check PubMed).

1. This is not fiction! I am reproducing the excerpt from the original paper which appeared in Trends in Biochemical Sciences 12: 252-254. This article has been cited at least 14 times!

"Our data does support the assertion that garlic may be beneficial in middle age Unfortunately, we could not obtain the most desired test system for anti-vampire' activity. Vampires may now be extinct (however, see Ref 9), and a search for the anti-vampire activity in garlic must await development of suitable analytical tools".

Original article: Jain MK and Apitz-Castro R. 1987. Garlic: molecular basis of the putative ‘vampire-repellant’ action and other matters related to heart and blood. Trends in Biochemical Sciences, 12: 252-254

2: J Trauma. 1984 Nov;24(11):990-1.
Injuries due to falling coconuts
Barss P.
Falling coconuts can cause injury to the head, back, and shoulders. A 4-year review of trauma admissions to the Provincial Hospital, Alotau, Milne Bay Province, Papua New Guinea, revealed that 2.5% of such admissions were due to being struck by falling coconuts. Since mature coconut palms may have a height of 24 up to 35 meters and an unhusked coconut may weigh 1 to 4 kg, blows to the head of a force exceeding 1 metric ton are possible. Four patients with head injuries due to falling coconuts are described. Two required craniotomy. Two others died instantly in the village after being struck by dropping nuts.

3: Br Med J (Clin Res Ed). 1984 Dec 22-29;289(6460):1717-20.
Falls from trees and tree associated injuries in rural Melanesians
Barss P, Dakulala P, Doolan M.
Falls from trees and other tree related injuries are the most common cause of trauma in some parts of rural Melanesia. A four year review of all admissions for trauma to the Provincial Hospital at Alotau, Milne Bay Province, Papua New Guinea, showed that 27% were due to falls from trees, and a further 10% were due to related injuries, such as being struck by a falling branch or a coconut. A questionnaire distributed to rural health centres showed that during the study period at least 28 villagers died from falls from trees before reaching hospital. Head and chest trauma were common causes of death. Many injured patients were boys. Forearm fractures were the most common injuries, but more serious injuries were also frequently encountered. Trees responsible for most deaths and injuries included the coconut palm, betel palm, mango, and breadfruit. There are many strategies for preventing such injuries; perhaps the most important is to stop small boys climbing tall trees. Such falls are a serious occupational hazard for many subsistence farmers.

4: Mil Med. 1993 Aug;158(8):546-8.
The constipated serviceman: prevalence among deployed U.S. troops
Sweeney WB, Krafte-Jacobs B, Britton JW, Hansen W.
Medical Department, USS Iwo Jima LPH-2, FPO New York, NY 09561-1625.

The prevalence of constipation in deployed servicemen was determined in a sample of military personnel aboard the USS Iwo Jima LPH 2 during Operation Desert Shield. Results were obtained from a bowel function questionnaire issued to 500 deployed marines and sailors. When constipation is defined as no bowel movement for greater than 3 days, 3.9% of the Marine/sailor personnel are constipated when in their home environment as compared to 6.0% when they are aboard ship and 30.2% while in the field. Alternatively, when constipation is defined as the presence of certain anorectal complaints (hard stools, straining, painful defecation, and bleeding with defecation), the incidence is 7.2% when at home as compared to 10.4% aboard ship and 34.1% in the field. These results confirm that whether constipation is defined as infrequent bowel movements or presence of symptoms of constipation, significantly more servicemen will be constipated when in the field as compared to their home environment. Since approximately one-third of Navy/Marine Corps personnel deployed in a field environment will be constipated, preventive measures ought to be evaluated.

Humor in Science

Handy guide to modern science

1. If its green or it wriggles, it's biology.
2. If its stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Scientific and futuristic graffiti

1. Entropy isn't what it used to be.
2. There's no future in time travel.
3. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
4. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Young's law

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Corollary: the greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.

Cancer Talk

It has been scientifically proven that scientists cause cancer in laboratory rats.

Some cross-breeding!

"After two years of trying, scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate center have managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Scientist, December 26, 1988.

How to be a good advisor

Being a student advisor is not easy. At the same time it is not rocket science. So, what really makes a good advisor? Take the students to free lunches, serve them beer, take them to casinos, give free tickets to derby.... Well, not really (although, these things will make you a popular advisor :)). After much thinking, I compiled a checklist sort of things and I think if anyone fulfills most of these, his/her students doesn't have to suffer. So, a good advisor:

1. Should be keen and enthusiastic - personally and professionally interested in being an advisor.
2. Should listen actively/constructively, attempting to hear all aspects of students' expressed problems.
3. Most Importantly, set aside enough regularly scheduled time to adequately meet the advising needs of students.
4. Be well-versed with university policy and practice in sufficient detail to provide students with accurate, usable information. refers students to other sources of information and assistance when referral seems to be the best, student-centered response to be made. Try to be compliant with the dead-lines (sending grades, etc. on time).
5. Try best to understand student concerns from a student point of view.
6. Views long-range planning as well as immediate problem-solving as an essential part of effective advising.
7. Share the advising skills with working colleagues who also are actively involved with advising.
8. Make conscious attempts to improve both the style and substance of the advising role. For example, participate in any advisor-training programs periodically, if available.
9. Don't let the students get embroiled in personal politics with fellow staff or do not use students to get back at other staff!
10. Adhere to dead lines especially timely submission of manuscripts, giving recommendations letters, evaluation reports, etc.

Quotes by Homer Simpson

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

D'oh!!!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese.

Mmmm, forbidden donut.

There's a New Mexico?

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocalte to milk.

Awww, there's only one beer left and it's Barts.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!

Mmmm, sacrilicious.

God bless those pagans.

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Mmmm, free goo.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

Lisa, stop that racket! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy....I think I'll need a bigger drill.

Read your town charter, boy. If food stuff should touch the ground, said food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.? Since I don't see him around, start shovelling!

Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Ha ha! Look at this country! ?You are gay!? Ha ha!

Mmmm, purple.

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'

Ahh, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer fueled mayhem?

Does whisky count as beer?

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Mmmm, Gummy-beer.

We monorail conductors are a crazy breed!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me!

Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.

I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.

Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!

Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about.

What the hey, I'll take the job.

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.

Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?

Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!

No... the only monster here is the evil gambling demon that has infested your mother... I call him 'GAMBLOR!'

Ignore the boy, Lord.

Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?

You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways......and which way to the can?

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

The strong must protect the sweet

Oh look at me!!! I'm making people happy!!! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane!!!! Oh by the way...I was being sarcastic.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

Trying is the first step towards failure.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

I have feeling too, you know, like `My stomach hurts', or `I'm going crazy!'

In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

This is absolutely the last funeral we ever take you kids to.

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.

Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.

Being popular is the most important thing in the world!

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

Get away bees!!!..shoo!...oow.....OOOWW!!!!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow...!!

Look at this country--U R Gay.

Lisa, tha mob's working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas...World domination.

Do I know what rhetorical means?

They're DOGS, and they're playing POKER!

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.

Woohoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline.

Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Well, I can tell the difference between butter and 'I can't believe it's not butter'.

When you participate in sporting events, it's not wether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.

I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tommorow will bring. And these TV Guides, so many memories. Gomer upset's Sgt. Carter. I'll never forget that episode.

Marge, I didn't tell them personal stuff...oh, you mean about you.

Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

40 seconds? But I want it now!

Oh, that's hot. There isn't a man alive that wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, g'night.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!

Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this was pizza!

I guess you might say he barking up the wrong...bush.

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnidght.

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.

We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Ha ha ha! ...with her.

OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches, and that man broke my promise!

I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.

Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that, honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

No jokes, no taunting--That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel! C'mere you butterball.

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.

No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achille's heel, if you will.

It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An april fool, as it were.

Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!

They have the Internet on computers, now?

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

You know,my kids think you're the greatest.And thanks to your gloomy music,they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces,,...I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the...things? Uh... the things?

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.

Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup- it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain't catsup!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

Hmm...ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.

Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That couldn't Slow Down.'

This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the american dream?

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Mmmm...fuzzy.

Here's to alcohol: The source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold, and eaten.

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr.X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!

Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.

Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her non-violent programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for looooove.

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. ''I like you as a friend.'' ''I think we should see other people.'' ''I don't speak English.'' ''I'm married to the sea.'' ''I don't wanna kill you, but I will.'' ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!

Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!

Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!

Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Forty seconds? But I want it now!

Lisa honey, are you saying you're _never_ going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

''To Start Press Any Key''. Where's the ANY key? I see Esk, Catarl , and Pig-Up. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB.

I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.

Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.

Woohoo!! See that boy, your old man was right, not Flanders, we are doomed! In your face, Flanders!!

I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Here are your messages: 'You have 30 minutes to move your car', 'You have 10 minutes', 'Your car has been impounded', 'Your car has been crushed into a cube', 'You have 30 minutes to move your cube'.

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I have feelings too - like ''My stomach hurts'' or ''I'm going crazy!''

Career Blues

Yesterday morning, I heard from one of my university friends that 4 of my friends who are all in various stages of their careers, and none of them are happy.

One of them is slogging in PhD and already knows he doesn't want to be in academia any more. Well, he has started looking into what kinds of careers might make him happy.


Another seems to be doing good in academics and is almost near-finish. Surprise of surprises, he fears about finishing (what I am going to do after?). He has no first-author papers. He wants to find a postdoc position, preferably locally since he has a family (his wife is at school), and continue to work on something related to his thesis work.

Yet another just graduated. Has no first-author papers, his advisor hasn't published in all last 3 years. but this guy is all cocky and thinks that Nobel prize is not far away. Already sent more than 20 resumes. Hasn't heard from anyone yet - that's a different story.


One is a tenured professor (one of my seniors) who is losing funding and talking seriously about shutting her lab down. She has a few more months to publish some papers and apply for more grants, but it's crunch time now and she's struggling to deal with the pressure, and her anger. She wants to go back to Bangalore (her native place) and start a company! May be it will work because her husband is a software engineer and can easily find an opening in Bangalore.

And then I remember my other University friends who all have stable government jobs back in Hyderabad. Almost all of them want to come over here! For what? I don't know. I also don't know whether I should encourage or discourage! I did neither. I don't have it in me to tell them that they are too "old" now to venture into new things!


One thing I started believing in more and more: PhD degree by itself doesn't have magical powers.