Quotes by Homer Simpson

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

D'oh!!!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese.

Mmmm, forbidden donut.

There's a New Mexico?

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocalte to milk.

Awww, there's only one beer left and it's Barts.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!

Mmmm, sacrilicious.

God bless those pagans.

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Mmmm, free goo.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

Lisa, stop that racket! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy....I think I'll need a bigger drill.

Read your town charter, boy. If food stuff should touch the ground, said food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.? Since I don't see him around, start shovelling!

Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Ha ha! Look at this country! ?You are gay!? Ha ha!

Mmmm, purple.

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'

Ahh, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer fueled mayhem?

Does whisky count as beer?

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Mmmm, Gummy-beer.

We monorail conductors are a crazy breed!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me!

Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.

I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.

Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!

Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about.

What the hey, I'll take the job.

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.

Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?

Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!

No... the only monster here is the evil gambling demon that has infested your mother... I call him 'GAMBLOR!'

Ignore the boy, Lord.

Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?

You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways......and which way to the can?

We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

The strong must protect the sweet

Oh look at me!!! I'm making people happy!!! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane!!!! Oh by the way...I was being sarcastic.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

Trying is the first step towards failure.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

I have feeling too, you know, like `My stomach hurts', or `I'm going crazy!'

In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

This is absolutely the last funeral we ever take you kids to.

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.

Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.

Being popular is the most important thing in the world!

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

Get away bees!!!..shoo!...oow.....OOOWW!!!!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow...!!

Look at this country--U R Gay.

Lisa, tha mob's working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas...World domination.

Do I know what rhetorical means?

They're DOGS, and they're playing POKER!

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.

Woohoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline.

Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Well, I can tell the difference between butter and 'I can't believe it's not butter'.

When you participate in sporting events, it's not wether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.

I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tommorow will bring. And these TV Guides, so many memories. Gomer upset's Sgt. Carter. I'll never forget that episode.

Marge, I didn't tell them personal stuff...oh, you mean about you.

Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

40 seconds? But I want it now!

Oh, that's hot. There isn't a man alive that wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, g'night.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!

Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this was pizza!

I guess you might say he barking up the wrong...bush.

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnidght.

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.

We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Ha ha ha! ...with her.

OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches, and that man broke my promise!

I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.

Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that, honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

No jokes, no taunting--That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel! C'mere you butterball.

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.

No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achille's heel, if you will.

It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An april fool, as it were.

Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!

They have the Internet on computers, now?

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

You know,my kids think you're the greatest.And thanks to your gloomy music,they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces,,...I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the...things? Uh... the things?

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.

Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup- it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain't catsup!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

Hmm...ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.

Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That couldn't Slow Down.'

This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the american dream?

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Mmmm...fuzzy.

Here's to alcohol: The source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold, and eaten.

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr.X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!

Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.

Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.

Whenever Marge turns on one of her non-violent programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for looooove.

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. ''I like you as a friend.'' ''I think we should see other people.'' ''I don't speak English.'' ''I'm married to the sea.'' ''I don't wanna kill you, but I will.'' ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!

Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!

Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!

Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Forty seconds? But I want it now!

Lisa honey, are you saying you're _never_ going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

''To Start Press Any Key''. Where's the ANY key? I see Esk, Catarl , and Pig-Up. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB.

I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.

Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.

Woohoo!! See that boy, your old man was right, not Flanders, we are doomed! In your face, Flanders!!

I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Here are your messages: 'You have 30 minutes to move your car', 'You have 10 minutes', 'Your car has been impounded', 'Your car has been crushed into a cube', 'You have 30 minutes to move your cube'.

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I have feelings too - like ''My stomach hurts'' or ''I'm going crazy!''